Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Tough or Kind Parenting Dilemma

A dilemma I sometimes face as a parent is trying to teach my children to be both tough and kind. Someone who is tough is able to ignore the physical and emotional pain that prevents softer individuals from accomplishing worthwhile goals. Someone who is kind is able to understand and then relieve the physical or emotional pain of others, or avoid causing others to feel pain.

I don’t want my daughters to find a balance between “tough” and “kind” which leaves them a little bit tough and a little bit kind. I want them to understand how to be both extremely tough and extremely kind. When I punish them based on their behavior, I am teaching them a lesson in toughness, but I worry that they will learn a lesson in [the lack of] kindness that I don’t want them to learn. When I allow them to make bad decisions and not suffer the consequences, I am teaching them a lesson in kindness, but I worry that they will learn a lesson in [the lack of] toughness that I don’t want them to learn.

I always try to model the behavior I expect from my daughters and I also try my best to explain to them the concepts behind why I behave the way I do, but I don’t have a tool for measuring the results of my modeling and explanations. I hope and pray [a lot] that they are learning both.

11 comments:

Hammertime said...

David,
It is indeed a tough balance. If I must err, I choose to err to the side of toughness. My reasoning is twofold - if you are not sufficiently tough to do what needs to be done, you have less opportunity for kindness to others because you are demanding from others to compensate for your lack of toughness. The other is simply this - if you are sufficiently tough, you have the personal resources to be kind as well, because you are looking less to get and more to give.

David M. Smith said...

Hi Hammer,

Like you, I believe the tougher a person is, the more able that person is to be kind, and likewise, the softer a person is, the less able that person is to be kind. The kindest people I know or know about are also some of the toughest people I know.

However, being tough does not automatically lead to being kind. In fact, most tough people are not particularly kind at all and most people with a reputation for kindness tend to be very needy themselves. Most people who are tough use their toughness for personal success without caring about the needs of the less fortunate.

It would be much simpler if I only had to teach my daughters to be kind or I only had to teach them to be tough. I’m sure I could teach toughness without teaching kindness or teach kindness without teaching toughness, but I want my girls to learn both, and even more importantly, be both.

I hope you and your family are doing well and that you have some time for recreation this summer.

Buz said...

Well, call me a rebel, but if I must err, I would prefer to err on the side of kindness.

The world will teach kids to be tough ... tough and uncaring. It is my place to teach not only my own child and grand-child, but also others about kindness.

My heart has been broken and broken again by God to the point where whatever was hard is now dust.

Note that in that caring, sometimes I will take the personal pain of allowing another to learn a hard lesson, but I want to always be there to help when that lesson has been learned.

When Jesus hung on the cross, His own Father turned away, not to be tough, but because it broke His own heart to the point where He could not bear to look. And the sky went black for three hours.

Buz

David M. Smith said...

Hi Buz,

Great point, thanks. Your perspective and Hammer’s perspective have helped describe my dilemma.

I guess kindness is a little bit more of a choice than toughness, so maybe my girls can learn to choose to be kind even if they don’t feel like it, whereas toughness may be more conditioning over long periods of time.

I suppose I will feel like more of a failure if I raise tough kids who are not kind than if I raised kind kids who are not tough, but at this point, I still want my daughters to be both.

Buz said...

David,

The problem with toughness is to know when to be tough. I very recently had an instance where I had to be tough, and it was difficult.

The time to be tough is when God is trying to teach someone a lesson, and if you step in, you will defeat His purpose. (Although that is very close to when God is trying to teach someone a lesson and He EXPECTS you to show them His love.)

Bottom line, the only way to know when to be tough and when not to be tough is to listen to Him.

Buz

David M. Smith said...

Hi Buz,

Waiting to teach someone to be tough until someone needs to be tough is too late.

Soldiers are prepared and able to deal with extremely tough situations because they have been trained in boot camp to be tough when the consequences of not being tough do not result in death. Not being tough in war does result in death.

Children, and most adults, will often fail at the point when they need to be the toughest. That’s why I need to use situations when my daughters back away from a challenge to try to impress upon them the need to persevere. I accept that there will be times when they will quit due to fear or lack of confidence as they grow, but hopefully, as they get older, they will view quitting as an undesirable option.

We seem to live in a society where most people want, need, and even expect, to get help to be happy. Getting help is not a problem unless you want, need, and expect it. Wanting, needing, and expecting help, is a weakness that is causing decay in American societies, and American Churches.

Buz said...

I guess I was seeing more of a teaching them WHEN to be tough more than HOW to be tough.

Buz

David M. Smith said...

Hi Buz,

I haven’t really thought that far ahead. Right now, my girls need to learn how to be tough and I need to learn when to be tough with them. However, you are right, at some point they will also need to know when to be tough with themselves and when to go easy on themselves. Do you ever get to a point in parenting when you are done? : - )

Buz said...

Yes, but you don't want to go there ...

David M. Smith said...

Welcome back Buz,

Parenting has been good for my brain and my heart. I’ve had to think about situations I never even imagined needing to think about and I’ve had to make sacrifices that turned into rewards.

I sometimes think about what it would be like to lose either or both of my daughters. Parenting has become such a part of my life that the thoughts of losing either of them is a horror I am unable to express with words.

The worst days with them, the most challenging days, are infinitely better than the best days without them. I feel sadness for you. I asked a rhetorical question with a meaning I did not intend. I hope you will excuse my clumsiness.

Buz said...

I knew what you meant. You didn't hurt my feelings.

All parents (at least modern parents in wealthier countries) expect to outlive their children. I have heard that expression ("is it ever finished") from a lot of parents with older kids. There is always a twinge of love in the feigned exasperation. The only real regret is when it really does end.

Buz